A Note To The Reader:
This is a satirical article.
Any resemblance to any person alive or not, from BITS- Pilani Hyderabad Campus, is completely unintentional.
Thank you for reading. You guys are the best.
There’s a new candidate for the post of President on campus, and none other than yours truly is covering him. I had the opportunity for an interesting tete-a-tete with this flamboyant man last Saturday as we met up to discuss his agenda for the college and indulged in other small talk.
After careful deliberation on how to faithfully record the outcome of the interview, I present to the readership of The Daily Bitsian the notes I took during the interview, untouched, because I feel the essence of what happened and of this man himself will be lost in translation otherwise.
“Er, this isn’t a taped interview, sir, you won’t be needing that.”
He flashes a smile that could have been mistaken for a grimace. I can’t tell. Meanwhile, a crony appears seemingly out of thin air to whisk away the unnecessary mic. I gape slightly at the efficiency of it all. I’m brought back abruptly to the task at hand by another smile in my direction.
Coming to first impressions, I’m not sure what I expected him to be like.
Like any dutiful journalist, I prepped before this interview and did my research, namely looking him up on Facebook. His profile picture was that of Pearl’s logo and his cover was that of Atmos’s banner. Searching through his photos, I was able to find a wide collection of fest related banners and logos. While I wasn’t able to glean any information about how he looked, I was able to compare DOTA’s comprehensive work for each fest over the last two years.
In real life, he’s tall, and mostly of nondescript appearance.
Except the hair.
There’s something strange about the hair that I can’t put my finger on.
I push that aside to think about later, and look down at the list of questions I had prepared before kicking off the interview.
“It’s wonderful that you could make it for this interview. You came as a surprise when you announced you were running. How does it make you feel that people view you as a non-serious candidate?”
To be honest, that question was formed off of my own opinion of him. I had no idea what the general public thought. There is only so much data a writer can collect under a deadline after all.
“They’re haters and they’re losers”, he says emphatically.
He takes my shocked face as encouragement, and carries on.
“Yes. They’re haters and they’re losers. Whenever I think about them, I feel sad for them, because they can’t help the fact that they were born that way.”
“..do you?” I say faintly. He steamrolls on.
“Our college is in serious trouble. We don’t have victories anymore. We used to have victories, but we don’t have them.”
“..what victories exactly?”
“The necessary kind.” He grimaces, I mean, smiles.
I return that smile cautiously and peer into my papers. Unfortunately, I find no notes on how to deal with egomaniacs.
“So if you’re contesting for this post, you must surely have an agenda in mind for the college. What are the things that you are going to change if you win this election?”
“Oh yes. That’s a good question. A very good question. Oh, I’m going to change a lot of things.
Last semester, it was just announced – our Pearl profits. A sign of strength, right? But not for us. It was below zero. Whoever heard of this? It’s never below zero.
So I’ll be changing that. Yes, I will.”
” I see, and do you have any concrete plans on how to improve this year’s fests?”
“Oh yeah. Really concrete plans. Very solid”
“…And they are?”
“All I can tell you is that it is a foolproof way of winning, and I’m not talking about what some people would say, but it is a foolproof way of winning the war of profits.
I might have looked a tad doubtful, because he hastened to reassure me.
“I won’t share it with you right now, not because I don’t have a foolproof plan, I do. I have a foolproof plan that would work 100%, and save thousands and thousands of rupees, but I’m not going to tell you at this moment.”
Well, that cleared it up. Onto the next question.
“There’s a lot of brewing undercurrents on campus at this moment. People are becoming more vocal about the things that they feel need to change. One such issue is the lack of tech culture in our college. As President, what would you do to promote tech culture?”
“You are absolutely right. You are, 100%, absolutely right. There needs to be change in our tech culture.
Right now, our enemies are getting stronger and stronger, and we as a college are growing weaker, and weaker.”
“Yes. All the other engineering colleges out there. They’re getting stronger all right.
A lot of our students can’t get jobs. That’s right. A lot of people up there in placement interviews can’t get jobs. They can’t get jobs, because there are no jobs, because IIIT-H has our jobs and CBIT has our jobs. They all have our jobs.
I’m going to get our jobs back.”
“And your plan is foolproof and you won’t share it with us now.”
“A major obstacle keeping us from moving forward with improving our campus culture, is the frequency with which people go home for the weekends, especially those who live nearby. What solution do you propose to convince people to stay back more?”
“I’m going to build a wall.”
“A wall, all around campus, to make sure they can’t go home.”
“A wall to stop them from going home.”
“Absolutely. And what’s more, I’ll make them pay for it as well.”
“A wall that they will pay for themselves, to stop themselves from going home.”
“A nice, tall wall.”
“And a moat, perhaps, to go with it?”
“Pardon me, I didn’t quite catch that.”
I cleared my throat.
“Another recent issue that has been raised is the declining quality of the mess food that we are being served. People are saying that the hike in fees are unjust given the lack of improvement in the food itself. While this may not entirely be in your domain, what are your opinions on this?”
“I’ll tell you what the problem is. And I’ve spoken to the security guards and the mess workers themselves, so you can trust me on this.
The problem is with the vegetable vendors. When they’re sending our campus the daily groceries, they’re not sending us their best and freshest. They’re not sending us the type of vegetables and ingredients we’re used to at home.
No. They’re sending us produce that has lots of problems and that produce is bringing along its problems in the form of the quality of our food. The produce that is coming is not fresh. That produce is not clean. And, some produce, I assume, is good.
I’m not sure that I did.
“Thank you for this interview, sir. Just one last question. You might be aware of this already, but the general opinion of you on campus is that you’re not a “nice” person. Do you think this will affect the number of votes you will get?”
“Yes, yes, I’ve heard those rumors alright. I’m not sure what they mean by not a nice person. I think I’m a nice person. I think I’m actually a very nice person. I donate to Nirmaan causes all the time. And I’m also really nice to all the campus stray dogs.”
“I’m sure that is reassuring to your all your supporters and critics alike. Thank you, sir, once again for your time.”
“The pleasure is all mine”. Cue the grimace-smile.
After we shook hands once again, he walked towards the door with faithful crony waiting outside. I watched only his hair, I’ll admit, and with good reason.
The wig slowly slid off before he managed to capture it in his hand, right before he left the room.
Premature balding really shouldn’t be a thing to be ashamed of.