If I Were A Girl

DISCLAIMER: This poem is sexist, drenched in sexual frustration, and whiney. So, if you’re an average engineering male student, it’s probably perfect for you.

 

Don’t worry too much about the warning above. The editor is a she. Oh wait, that was another sexist comment.
So I thought I’d try out something new this New Years’. I sat with a hot coffee in a silent room with a view to the serene, snow-clad Himalayas, like big shot poets do, but nah, they’re full of faeces. Writing a poem is not as beautiful a process as it has been projected to be. At least for somebody who usually does satire.

The outcome was this, a soggy attempt at rhyme, like nearly all of Pitbull’s songs. ( I mean, his most popular number starts with the lines “Yeah, right! Picture that with a Kodak Or, better yet, go to Times Square

Take a picture of me with a Kodak.”)

Anyway, this is like those If I were a Bird or If I were Batman poems we wrote as kids… just worse.

 

                                                                              IF I WERE A GIRL


If I were a girl, life would be so much easier I think

A world full of melodrama, hormones, emotions, coloured in pink

On buying new clothes and accessories I would thrive

Of course, even to the mall I wouldn’t be able to drive.

I’d get lot of glory and applause for the smallest of success

Even more compliments on a photo wearing a skimpy dress.

 

If I were a chick I’d have my own pair,

Cheekily at t-shirts I wouldn’t have to stare.

The gentle wave of my hand would make rickshaws stop,

My playlist would be decked with idiotic mainstream pop

I’d be able to think of ‘stuff’ without an embarrassing bulge,

In  sweets and cheese burgers I wouldn’t indulge.

I’d use nice fruity shampoos, lotions and take frequent baths

Also use a calculator, ‘cause I’d suck at maths

 

I’d be able to take off my shoes without anybody passing out,

And my Insta would be followed by millions

Like those lovely women with the plastic faces and the sultry pout

I wouldn’t have to shave my face

Although I’d have to pluck hair off every other place

I’d get free movie tickets and dinner every week,

But I’d have to sit down to take a leak..

If I were a chick I wouldn’t have to safeguard my balls

But then I doubt I’d play any sports at all.

 

Everywhere, the crowds would treat me like a queen

Although, years down the line, they’d just make me cook and clean

I wouldn’t feel safe in the moonlight alone,

A spray and a swiss knife in my clutch, apart from my phone

I’d be expected to get married and settle down,

But that’s a woman’s dream right? A lovely white wedding gown

 

I’d be able to easily get a seat in the bus and the train

But I’d have to go through the monthly ordeal of cramps and pain

I’d be judged by my beauty and not my brain
If I were a girl, I’d wish to be a guy again

 

-Avi Jain

 

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