Introverts Incorporated

Welcome, newbies, to the orientation of the Introverts Inc. *chair swivel* I am the Secretary, and I’m here to materialize the exhaustingly boring life of a typical introvert. It is socially acceptable for me to adopt a casual satirical tone because I myself am an introvert. Now that I’ve made sure I won’t get sued or be made into a piñata, let me give you the secret of my people.


How to realize you’re probably an introvert: when you’re asked which college you’re from by your own classmate during the fest concert. No compulsion on the attendance really aids the staying- in-the-room solace an introvert comfortably craves.

Your friend(s) has to bribe you to get you out of your room, and you’re dying to go back within five minutes of palling around with people you hardly know. But you can’t, because you promised her that you’d stay for more than 23 minutes (on a completely unrelated note, it’s my new record). You’re okay with singing your heart out, even if you have Van Gough’s ear for music, with just a few of your friends, instead of rocking out to a guitar on stage.

Extroverts are our biggest fear, and our greatest friends. The Yin, to our Yang. You guys are awesome, and loud. But mostly awesome. We love how you guys take the stage, and command the crowd. We have a lot to learn from you, so if someone is willing to donate their body for medical research, it would be really appreciated.

Well, you may ask, “If you introverts love being in your room so much, what do you do?” Well, random stranger, we do everything you do, but indoors. Want to talk to a friend? Meet them in your room. Are they of the opposite gender? Text them. Face to face conversation is so 2012. Listen to music indoors. And if, on the random occasion, you want to experience nature, go for a walk around the campus. You can find introverts on the ‘Road Not Taken’, because we can be alone and truly one with nature there. Oh, and TV shows. TV shows are everything to a little wallflower, like yours truly. We are happier when an onscreen couple finally gets together (I’m looking at you, Ross and Rachel), than when we get a boyfriend/girlfriend of our own.

If you are an introvert and you’re looking for some tips, here you go.


Introvert Tip #1: The Spoon. If you’re ordering lots of takeaway food for yourself, and want to save yourself from the weird glances from other people, order five extra spoons and make sure the others see that too, so they assume you’re having a party, albeit non-existent. Pretty sure they’re applauding you for being the chosen one to go fetch food every time. But they just conclude you’re an impossibly good friend. What do you do when your food is getting ready? Surf through the supermarket very importantly and pretentiously. Stare at the diary section and compliment it. “This cheese looks beautiful.” Collect your take-out when it is ready. Finally.

Introvert Tip #2: The Fake Phone Call. If you’re out alone and you see a bunch of people you know, don’t panic. Just pick up your phone, and pretend you’re talking to someone. Works like a charm. Trust me, it’s never failed.

Introvert Tip #3: The Overcompensation. As an introvert, I am consciously assessing my radar to see if I accidently offend somebody; with my words, or my presence. Hence, saying no is pretty challenging. But don’t fret, my pet, use this format. Uncomfortably start saying nice things about them. Le random no appears. And sugarcoat it with more uncomfortably nice things. They won’t see it coming. Side effect: They’ll probably think you’re coming on to them. What? I didn’t say it happened to me, did I?

Introvert Tip #4: The Penguin. Say you’re part of a group project, and people are asking for your opinion on something, just smile and wave, boys. Just smile and wave.

If all else fails, fake your own death.

Now that you’re now officially an introvert, and you know the introvert ways, here’s how to throw an Introvert Party.

Step 1: Avoid going to the actual party, using the tips mentioned above.
Step 2: Get really thick curtains, so that people can’t peek from the outside.
Step 3: Make your playlist, with your favourite songs. Songs that you want to jam to; unlike the ones they end up playing at the DJ night.
Step 4: Party all night. Well, not all night. What are you, an animal? Party till it’s really late. Like 10 pm or something.

I kid the introverts. It’s okay if I make fun of you guys because I’m one of you. At the end of the day, you’ll find someone who loves you for who you truly are. Your 37 cats.

Bloopers and Behind the Scenes:

This is off the record, and anybody who gets offended should take it up with the editor.

Capture

*deleted because Comic Sans*

Capture5
*deleted because it is suspected to offend 78.45% of the readership*  

Capturek

*deleted because the NSA is probably monitoring this.*

Smruthi Balaji

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