ADVISORY: The viewers are requested to read out the Word Simulated Trailer in a 100 Hz baritone. The pitch would sound a little higher than Batman and a lot lower than Mary Poppins. Please remove your 3-D glasses because this is just going to be text.
ACKNOWLEDGEMENTS: Thank you, Carl for executing all the instructions given between the asterisks. Carl is our unpaid intern. (So many copyright infringements in this article, sigh.)
From the makers of the 1964 hit University, BITS Pilani, comes its rumoured‐to‐be‐disappointing (spoiler, it’s not) sequel, BITS Its‐Not‐Really‐Pilani Hyderabad Campus.
Often compared to the Academy Award winning ‘Sharmaji’s‐Son‐Managed‐To‐Crack‐It’ IITs, presenting its fiercer, fairer (yay, pure merit), and more expensive competitor. This Fall, expect the mostly expected, because internet can usually tell you most things you want to know, thank you BITS360.
*cut to the scene where the subject is seen entering the iron gates*
*play theme song ‘It’s Called Freshman not First‐Yearite’ from the band Desperate Pretentious Grammar Nazi Chick playing in the background*
*flash Heisenberg’s stringent face with giant caption reading ‘Tread Lightly’*
The plot takes off slowly in the most PG-13 way possible, with 700‐odd fresh subjects picked from various coaching institutes from all over the country with their parents as their bodyguards and their highlights of the day being chasing new mattresses and buckets amidst the 17‐hour long sinfully boring orientation. Hostel Life, Woot Woot. Indeed.
Included only in the Director’s Cut comes that heavy-headed emotional scene with the parents driving away through the main gates and the protagonists repressing their sniffles and heading over to Registration.
Registration is actually a very well played misdirection which provides the fabricated promise of ‘making your own time table’ in return for 17 hours of your time in front of a computer that simply won’t load. (Huh, I used 17 twice already.) So much for those classes that you’ll never attend? Oops, you did not hear this from me.
*use fish eye lens to pan the entire campus*
*simultaneously play dramatic inspirational music. What kind? Rip it off Harry Potter*
*and could you get Morgan Freeman to do this part of the voice-over? Thanks*
Welcome to college. There’s an 8:1 boy:girl ratio, so you probably won’t get a girlfriend. Besides, that hot athlete senior already asked out the pretty girl you saw in Physics.
Nonetheless! Gear up to experience the freedom of joining a variety of awesome clubs and departments, if you make it through the 5 rounds of Inductions which may or may not include an interview. Meet people from various parts of India and don’t miss out on meeting that one guy who points out that you’re not in IIT. Oh yeah, he’s exquisitely great at parties. But never mind him! He’s just a recurring character. Meet the main cast as you bond over watching TV shows, movies, and swearing off to an all‐night‐gaming extravaganza.
Well, I think we’ve reached a point in this movie where it requires a very intellectually challenging, twisted villain (Hail Joker!). We’ve got three. T1, T2, and Compre.
And now suddenly it’s staying up all night studying an entire semester’s syllabus in those 4 hours. Soon after comes the recoil and guilt trip of either binge eating or binge watching after getting your first results. But don’t worry; it’s just the first D that hurts. (Wait, what?)
Plot twist: Darth Vader is Luke’s father.
… (Oh sorry, Carl cut to the wrong scene again. I’ll just strike it off.)
Darth Vader is Luke’s father.
Plot twist: FEST TIME.
Experience three whole days of amazing food, new company and complete bankruptcy!
Dance to the band you probably don’t know and head bang because it is the official social protocol. Organize an event all by yourself because YOU are super important and responsible. It is totally not because the seniors are dumping the work on you.
But seriously, for someone who probably spent the last couple of years in a rusty ol’ coaching institute, College is going to be your Nirvana. You’re free to do whatever you choose to do; you can finally be whoever you want to be. You can sculpt your life, from the very beginning. You’ve come this far, keep rolling. (No, I did not just make a movie pun.)
Freshman–Nemo in P Sherman, 42 Wallaby Way, Sydney
Seniors–Big Bad Wolf
Professors–I’ll‐Set‐Average‐At‐D‐And‐Tell‐You‐We‐Have‐Surprise‐Tests‐To‐Make‐You‐Attend‐Classes‐But‐Then‐I’ll‐Cancel‐Them (okay there might be some unresolved resentment here)
Parents–Parents from Home Alone Spin-off
Mess Caterer–Voldemort who decided to make Gulaab Jamuns his horcruxes. (Try asking him for another one, I dare you.)
Me–Girl who thinks she’s funny but they couldn’t find anyone else to fill this article slot.
In cities near you
Pre-book tickets at XYZ Coaching Centre
Coming soon- FINAL YEAR, the story of how you probably still don’t have a girlfriend.