From the disinfected desk of Avi Jain
Editor’s note: this article is rated b for Boy-brains
First and foremost, if there is any girl reading this, let me inform you that this baloney is just something I came up with because I had nothing substantial to do during my 2&½ month-long vacation. (Editor’s Chuckle: He just doesn’t want his prospective girlfriend to think he’s a loser. Subtle.) It’s a piece written with the sole motive of entertainment, which you mustn’t waste time reading, because I’m sure you’ve got better things to do, like read the latest Chetan Bhagat novel, gossip about celebrities, or click selfies while making awkward faces. (Excerpt from How to Be a Girl: Start- Up Kit) (Editor’s Chuckle 2: Oh, and there go all your prospects.)
(Editor’s Note: If you hadn’t figured it out, the editors are girls. But we’ll let Avi continue from here on.)
Hmph, now that we’ve flicked off some of the sticky and clingy XX chromosomes, let me tell you guys what this holy document that you’ve stumbled upon really is- It’s a compendium of Wisdom. Oh brolings, you have now been exposed to Wisdom that didn’t previously exist on paper, or in your Mumma’s redundant lectures about college, or on the hyperactive BITSAT page. This sacred text will teach you not how to survive, but how to live awesomely on campus. It will also steer you towards gaining the most prestigious 3 lettered title known to mankind (apart from my name)- Bae.
I really hope you didn’t fall for that. Let’s try that again…
Wait for it… (Am I throwing a Barney Stinson vibe? No? Okay.)
Unlike Mr. Stinson’s codes, the following rules aren’t written with the sole objective of getting laid. With a gender ratio worse than that of ABCD 2, there’s little chance you’ll accomplish that goal. Yeah, college is not going to be American Pie: Beta house. It’s going to be more like the Freshman Year trailer you just read (If you haven’t, then go read it as soon as you’ve finished memorizing and reciting the bro code precisely 969 times.)
A bro always makes sure that his bros have woken up for tests. And for dinner when there’s Gulab Jamun.
Engineers are true global citizens; they aptly demonstrate that by following the time-zones of different countries. Hence, it is necessary for the bro who hasn’t slept or has miraculously been woken up by alarms, to awaken his bros for the 3 fiery pits of hell commonly known as T1, T2 and Compres.
A bro never peeks through the window curtains of another bro whose lights are off to confirm whether he’s asleep or not. There’s a chance he might witness explosions that leave him scarred for life.
A bro does not abandon a CS/DOTA/FIFA match in the middle just to text/talk to a girl.
Remember the adage…
‘Games before Dames’
– Cristiano Bronaldo
‘A bro is f****** obliged to share any sort of food when his other bros knock at his door late in the night. Cause, at the f****** time of food scarcity, bros are all you f****** got.’
– Brodonf****** Ramsay
Your bro needs you now more than ever. RIP Maggi.
Even in drought, a bro flushes twice.
And if that turns out to be insufficient, pour water. But please don’t leave your holy *expletive deleted* to be discovered by Columbus.
A bro never shuts down his DC when a fellow bro is downloading stuff from his ‘stuff’ folder.
A bro never carries an umbrella to the academic block for shade.
Exception: He’s holding it for a chick.
Exinception: It is perfectly fine for a bro to carry one along during showers; in which case he is expected to accommodate as many bros as he can under his umbrella-ella-ella-ey-ey.
The Bro(w) wink (/brəʊ wɪŋk/, verb): A bro does not have to wave hands to acknowledge another bro’s presence. Just a lift of his brows with a slight smile or an upward nod is fine.
Repeat after me: Shorts for life!
A bro doesn’t hesitate to wear shorts.
“Shorts are the secret of my energy”
– Stan Browrinka
A bro never utters anything remotely offensive when another bro gets a call from home, but is allowed to make all kinds of weird noises when another bro is talking to his long distance female friend.
Bros are permitted to walk around t-shirtless in the corridors in times of extreme heat. No bro is supposed to feel awkward in doing so, or looking at his other bros do so.
During fests, it is mandatory for a bro to indicate the presence of a chick that scores >8/10 on the Relatively Graded Hotness Scale* to his other bros by the classic clock trick or otherwise.
A bro does not wear his shirt with multiple buttons open. Plunging necklines look hot on chicks, not bros.
A bro makes an effort to stay up to date with the major sports-happenings in the world. Whether he actually cares about that sport or not is irrelevant.
A bro respects the CG of his social worker-cum-average-reducer bro. And makes sure it doesn’t come up while girls are around.
Girl : Hey, how much did you guys get?
Bro : Have you seen the latest GoT episode? It’s killer!
When watching movies with his bros, a bro does not chit-chat. No predicting the storyline, no ‘I-don’t-get-it-that’s-not-possible’ and no spot reviews. The only comments allowed are-
“Damn, ScarJo looks hot!”
“Whoa, killer action sequence, dude.”
And the oft-used
“This movie sucks ass. Whose suggestion was this?”
A bro is expected to faithfully uphold the code. Any violation is a blasphemous act of treason against fellow bros, punishment for which ranges from calling the traitor bro with a demeaning nick name for the rest of his college life to a kick in the groin.
Bear in mind…
Being a guy is a matter of birth. Being a man is a matter of age. But being a bro… It’s a matter of respect.
*Stay tuned to further issues of TDB for a manual on “How To: The Hotness Scale”.