My Diary Entry

This is a response to the “dear diary” event held at Pearl 2015.


 

My diary

6th August, 2012

Thank god it was just a dream! But a horrible one at that … My frail 65 year old body could barely comprehend the grounds of reality on which it shook me. I lay awake for a long time, trying to recollect it all, oh, but it is a blur! Alas. How I wish I could remember it all, for it looked and felt so real. Perhaps I will just pour in you what I remember, for you are all I have, now that Jeffrey is acting different … I remember a dusty premise – somebody was holding me down … doctors, one of them screaming my name …

 

I was tied to a bed, or it looked like one at least… They stuffed my mouth with a cloth and restrained me. My 65 year old heart was beating so fast… I didn’t feel all that fragile, but once one of them injected something into me, I felt calm. Then, there was darkness and silence…

 

Then… a whisper, which startled me awake.

‘Die today.’

Sigh, it was all I can remember from that hazy dream, but I did share it with little Jeffery once he was back home. Ah, but he was so drunk! Perhaps I will talk some sense into him tomorrow

 

Dear diary

7th 8 2012

Damn, I’m so wasted. Like I was last night. Shit, I can’t even know if what I’m writing makes sense. The old bugger seems to remember… he seems to be getting it all back somehow.. I don’t know.

Fuck, my writing’s all screwed up. Anyway, he won’t read this section of the diary … He never examines the back pages. Like, ever. But I can’t take him anymore. I mean first, he created me due to his medication … But the dude’s so fucked up in the head, he doesn’t realize it’s all a lie! I mean, he has no parents! The stories he tells me – or – the lies he tells me … Anyway, I think it’s time this all goes away. After all, three months is a very long time to wait.

 

My Diary

8th August 2012

I know this is too late, but for some reason I’m awake now. I can’t miss writing in you … Never. I don’t understand, Jeffery’s behaviour makes no sense. I screamed at him, and I don’t understand why he would say what he said when I threatened to kill myself if he doesn’t behave…

“Die today.”

Ah, it is there in the morning, so I will write in you next tomorrow.

My Diary

9th August 2012

I am shivering… I have been, since last night’s nightmare. Everything was so clear… yet so confusing. I will write it all here, my diary, for it is you who I treasure my thoughts in when I am scared.

I was being held by four nurses, and the doctor was screaming my name. He was asking one of the nurses something to which the nurse screamed: “He tried to kill himself! He is, still I was throbbing on the stretcher as I was being carried to a room, I lashed out, and tried to bite a chunk of skin of my wrist, so they tied me back and put a cloth in my mouth.

“This is an extreme case, “said the doctor, extracting a syringe & liquid from somewhere, “the needs to ease his pain. In fact he need to forget it.”

He injected me. I could tell a chill down my wrist all the way into the air I exhaled, as I heard him say, “This will make him stable upto 3 months. Then, if he still attempts it, we’ll move him to an institution. “

The next thing I knew, I was staring in front of my house mirror. And I saw Jeffery in the reflection. “Die today. And I will live on.”

I’m conf…. crap. Stupid fuck has figured it out! Shit-shit-shit! Well, after all, I am you-you nutbag! You suicidal freak! I mean – I had to come alive! You had no parents! NO children! So I needed you to need me! But now!! No!!

Of course that’s what you’ve been telling yourself ever since the doctors got you home! But no! You want to raise me! Bullshit! Do you even remember me? My childhood? IT’S ALL A LIE!

I’M YOU!

You have to go. You have to. Unless you do, I won’t be free! You’ll be put in some institution ____ I can’t drink anymore! I can’t enjoy life! The life you couldn’t ever enjoy cause you thought it was boring! That’s why.

You die. Today.

Oh no! I’m writing this after I saw what I have written above! After I have examined the back of the diary!

MY DIARY!

Help me! Jeffrey is trying to kill me! I think I will go see the doctor tomorrow.

Dear diary,

10 – 8-2012

This will be the last timeI write in you, It’s time the old geezer dies. No more nagging, I’m gonna be free.

Die today, J.E. Frey,

Rise, and live on – JEFFERY

Note: All scratches, spelling mistakes are intentional.  J.E.Frey keeps forgetting who he is.


Aadithya Murthy

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