On TRW: Legitimate Research

3.48% of TRW course is about Technical Report Writing: Groundbreaking research.

In a new, groundbreaking research finding, a group of engineers from BITS Pilani Thumkunta campus, who had nothing to do with their free time other than write satiric articles on courses freshers do in their first semester, found out that a whopping 3.48% of total material in the TRW course focuses on teaching students to write technical reports. Found occupying a major amount of space in their research paper- which many were fooled into reading because the ‘acknowledgements’ section, on the title page, was a stunning 450-word Oprah-style essay- were also the discrepancies found between various campuses as to what the format of a report is. These discrepancies were found to have caused rap battles between students and instructors in various PS stations. In case you were wondering what that meant, PS stands for Play Station, a popular activity where students pay the institute 28000 bucks to go and play video games in various research and non-research institutes during the summer. In the middle of the PS session, students are supposed to submit mid-semester reports to their instructors, and it is a subject of wide debate whether to include in it the quality of the lunch that is provided.

This research was conducted in the pristine campus set in the picturesque city of Hyderabad, overlooking an empty forest with no streetlights, as part of a course widely known as “Easiest damn way to get 3 credits”, also known as “Humanities SOP”. As is often the case with researchers with problem statements too weak to constitute legitimate research, they tried to increase the size of their summary to the widely-approved industry standard of three pages, by adding irrelevant information. If that doesn’t answer the question about the existence of the Alok Nath meme on the first page, nothing does.

Of course, the team was very cautious about their legitimacy, with a disclaimer, also on the first page (seriously, they have no idea how to write a report) about how data could not be reliable even though it was sourced from the batch widely rumoured to have had the highest percentage of attendance since the university’s inception, namely, 0.39 students per class on average. On inquiry about how the average got to be so high, significance testing, time series modelling, and covariance analysis was done on the data and it was found that the increase was due to the one senior who had wandered into the class by mistake, God bless whatever he was smoking that day.

In an exclusive interview with The Daily Bitsian, the authors of the paper, both 4 pointers with a voracious appetite, revealed that they had received sem-backs for using electric water heaters in the hostel, not ‘going room’ when they were instructed to, and worst, accidentally walking into the girls’ bag check in the library, rumoured to be the only place in the campus no man has dared enter. On reminding them of the actual reason for the interview, and upon clearing the considerable amount of smoke in the room (upon which we realized the true reason for the sem backs), we were able to get an exclusive sound byte: “Lite ra.”

When asked how they were able to complete such a monstrous thesis with such wide-ranging applications and social commentary, they said they had used the time-tested methodology: “make crap up on the last day of submission.”

Arvind Badri


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