The Rants of a Procrastinator

Everybody hates assignments. Sure, it’s an easy way to score marks, and it’s a lot less scary than writing a test, but an assignment requires you to work in your free time. And somehow, somehow – it never quite gets done. Here’s the lowdown on how the average student (or maybe it’s just me) completes every assignment ever.

Assignment announced: Countdown timer set to 15 days.

This time I’ll do an outstanding job. Will start work early, finish in a week, and recheck it in the following week. Wonderful, I’ve already made my schedule. I rock.

That evening. Countdown timer: 14 days 18 hours.

Now, today doesn’t seem like a good idea. I finally have some free time – shouldn’t waste it. Besides, don’t want to be the first to finish and look like a teacher’s pet, do I?

Countdown timer: 12 days.

Er, perhaps I should start. <Calls up class topper> Yes? What? We don’t have to write the whole thing? Only two page report? Hahaha! <Hangs up>
Well, turns out I don’t need to put in a lot of work after all. Will finish season three of Parks and Rec now!

Countdown timer: 10 days.

Ok, I have to start. <Opens Google> “How to begin an assignment”. Wow. This is a fun and helpful comic. Let’s see what else this guy has written. OMG cat jokes! Hahaha, I should share this on Facebook! What? They tagged me on his wall? What for? <Assignment forgotten, Facebooking intensifies>

Countdown timer: 7 days.

I can’t believe I wasted a week. There, I’ve opened Word. Nothing can stop me now! Wait, something’s missing. I’m hungry. How can I concentrate if I have no energy? I’ll get a quick bite from Bru. <Meets friends, returns at 12:00 midnight>

Countdown timer: 6 days.

Ok, that’s it. Doing the project now. <Knock on door> Hey! What’s up? Seriously? Who told you that? Shh, come in. Tell me everything.
<Gossip session ensues, assignment forgotten>

Countdown timer: 5 days

Better get down to it. I should tell everybody I’m doing an assignment so they don’t disturb me. That’s a good idea. <Spend several hours driving people away from my room> I have food, too. Hmm. Need some music. <Starts playing songs on shuffle> Oh wait a minute! This song is my favourite! <starts singing along, gets out of chair and jams to it>
Wow. I love these guys. Let’s see if I can find more songs by them.

Countdown timer: 4 days

<Winning staring contest with a blank Word page> This isn’t working. I need someone’s finished assignment for ‘reference’. <Asks friend for assignment> What? Not done yet? You’ll finish today night? Okay then, let me know when you’re done.
Haha. What a slacker. I guess I can’t do anything till he’s done anyway. <starts surfing the internet>

Countdown timer: 3 days

No! I won’t play! I have work! Fiiiiine. One game only. <Two hundred DoTA games later> Too sleepy to write. Tomorrow.

Countdown timer: 2 days

I can’t believe I haven’t started! <starts hyperventilating> Oh no! I’m going to flunk this! I won’t get placed! I’ll have to work as an assistant to the sabji mandi guy! <start imagining elaborate and scary future where I’m poor, panic even more> Oh shit! And then my best friend will spit on me! <cry myself to sleep, too depressed and panicky to write>

Countdown timer: 1 day

“Assignment title”. Hmm. Font not good enough. This should have a bigger impact. <Start looking for better fonts>

Countdown timer: 22 hours

<Start frantically copying stuff from the internet and amending sentences to sound like they’re mine> Whoa! I wrote one paragraph in 20 minutes! If I work like this, I only need three hours! I was panicking unnecessarily! <Take a break>

Countdown timer: 10 hours

Well, that break went on longer than expected. <Sit down to write, start swivelling around in the chair>

Countdown timer: 8 hours

<Incoherent crying> I’ll never get this done! Never! Why can’t I do things?! WHAT IS WRONG WITH ME??!

6 hours:

Pfft. It’s just a project. No big deal. 2 marks, will make up in the next exam. OH GOD WHO AM I KIDDING.

4 hours:

<Frantically praying to God> Anything you ask of me! I will give you my first born kid if you miraculously write this assignment for me! Pleaaaase!

2 hours:

Go on Facebook and stalk people. Tidy up room. Organise books.

1 hour:

Cry a little more. Beg friends for help. Cry harder when they refuse. Threaten to jump out of your window when they accuse you of being melodramatic.

30 minutes:

Go to the toilet to wash your hands. SIX TIMES. Also kill bugs in your room.

15 minutes:

Reply to all your messages, mails and calls.

10 minutes:

Copy-paste the whole of Wikipedia onto Word.

5 minutes:

Wet your pants, run around the room in circles.

2 minutes:

Sit in a corner and hum the Pokemon theme song while laughing maniacally.

1 minute:

Do the whole project, start to finish, send it.

ZERO.

“You submitted your assignment 10 seconds early.”
<Collapses in exhaustion.>

Kartik Reddy,
Procrastinator Extraordinaire.

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