Everybody hates assignments. Sure, it’s an easy way to score marks, and it’s a lot less scary than writing a test, but an assignment requires you to work in your free time. And somehow, somehow – it never quite gets done. Here’s the lowdown on how the average student (or maybe it’s just me) completes every assignment ever.
Assignment announced: Countdown timer set to 15 days.
This time I’ll do an outstanding job. Will start work early, finish in a week, and recheck it in the following week. Wonderful, I’ve already made my schedule. I rock.
That evening. Countdown timer: 14 days 18 hours.
Now, today doesn’t seem like a good idea. I finally have some free time – shouldn’t waste it. Besides, don’t want to be the first to finish and look like a teacher’s pet, do I?
Countdown timer: 12 days.
Er, perhaps I should start. <Calls up class topper> Yes? What? We don’t have to write the whole thing? Only two page report? Hahaha! <Hangs up>
Well, turns out I don’t need to put in a lot of work after all. Will finish season three of Parks and Rec now!
Countdown timer: 10 days.
Ok, I have to start. <Opens Google> “How to begin an assignment”. Wow. This is a fun and helpful comic. Let’s see what else this guy has written. OMG cat jokes! Hahaha, I should share this on Facebook! What? They tagged me on his wall? What for? <Assignment forgotten, Facebooking intensifies>
Countdown timer: 7 days.
I can’t believe I wasted a week. There, I’ve opened Word. Nothing can stop me now! Wait, something’s missing. I’m hungry. How can I concentrate if I have no energy? I’ll get a quick bite from Bru. <Meets friends, returns at 12:00 midnight>
Countdown timer: 6 days.
Ok, that’s it. Doing the project now. <Knock on door> Hey! What’s up? Seriously? Who told you that? Shh, come in. Tell me everything.
<Gossip session ensues, assignment forgotten>
Countdown timer: 5 days
Better get down to it. I should tell everybody I’m doing an assignment so they don’t disturb me. That’s a good idea. <Spend several hours driving people away from my room> I have food, too. Hmm. Need some music. <Starts playing songs on shuffle> Oh wait a minute! This song is my favourite! <starts singing along, gets out of chair and jams to it>
Wow. I love these guys. Let’s see if I can find more songs by them.
Countdown timer: 4 days
<Winning staring contest with a blank Word page> This isn’t working. I need someone’s finished assignment for ‘reference’. <Asks friend for assignment> What? Not done yet? You’ll finish today night? Okay then, let me know when you’re done.
Haha. What a slacker. I guess I can’t do anything till he’s done anyway. <starts surfing the internet>
Countdown timer: 3 days
No! I won’t play! I have work! Fiiiiine. One game only. <Two hundred DoTA games later> Too sleepy to write. Tomorrow.
Countdown timer: 2 days
I can’t believe I haven’t started! <starts hyperventilating> Oh no! I’m going to flunk this! I won’t get placed! I’ll have to work as an assistant to the sabji mandi guy! <start imagining elaborate and scary future where I’m poor, panic even more> Oh shit! And then my best friend will spit on me! <cry myself to sleep, too depressed and panicky to write>
Countdown timer: 1 day
“Assignment title”. Hmm. Font not good enough. This should have a bigger impact. <Start looking for better fonts>
Countdown timer: 22 hours
<Start frantically copying stuff from the internet and amending sentences to sound like they’re mine> Whoa! I wrote one paragraph in 20 minutes! If I work like this, I only need three hours! I was panicking unnecessarily! <Take a break>
Countdown timer: 10 hours
Well, that break went on longer than expected. <Sit down to write, start swivelling around in the chair>
Countdown timer: 8 hours
<Incoherent crying> I’ll never get this done! Never! Why can’t I do things?! WHAT IS WRONG WITH ME??!
Pfft. It’s just a project. No big deal. 2 marks, will make up in the next exam. OH GOD WHO AM I KIDDING.
<Frantically praying to God> Anything you ask of me! I will give you my first born kid if you miraculously write this assignment for me! Pleaaaase!
Go on Facebook and stalk people. Tidy up room. Organise books.
Cry a little more. Beg friends for help. Cry harder when they refuse. Threaten to jump out of your window when they accuse you of being melodramatic.
Go to the toilet to wash your hands. SIX TIMES. Also kill bugs in your room.
Reply to all your messages, mails and calls.
Copy-paste the whole of Wikipedia onto Word.
Wet your pants, run around the room in circles.
Sit in a corner and hum the Pokemon theme song while laughing maniacally.
Do the whole project, start to finish, send it.
“You submitted your assignment 10 seconds early.”
<Collapses in exhaustion.>