(Not) The One Who Knocks!

Eight Types of People FOR WHOM From Whom You Ask For Votes.

It’s hunting season! The nominations are in, the battle lines are drawn, the alliances made. Yet there’s one part of the college that is fair game to everyone, and can swing any possible way: the ever-gullible juniors.

There’s only one reaction people give when they see a candidate knocking on the door.

Oh yeah? Think campaigning is easy? Think we have a lot of fun going door to door and group to group trying to talk sense into you? Please. If it wasn’t for your vote, nobody would bother to talk to you, Mr. Fascinating Personality. It’s time someone heard our troubles.

The Future Politician

You’ve got to love this guy. Barely two weeks in college, and he’s already lusting for power. Has huge plans to run himself, and is in fact already running for HRep. (Hahahahaha.) You know, as a responsible senior, that you should guide him on the right path, but isn’t learning from your mistakes better?

Moreover, why would you let go of your trusty lapdog? He spies on other candidates for you, gathers support by the wing, claps when you talk and is ready to run little errands because he thinks you’ll help him during his campaign. Oh the innocence and stupidity of the young is such a wonderful thing to see.

‘Oh God Why’ Guy

The second he spots you, his face droops in a sad, melancholy expression, and he knows he’s doomed for the next three hours. You can see that he’s resigned to his fate. It’s like he was playing snakes and ladders and he landed on a snake – there’s no fighting it, just let it be over.

Why does he have to make you feel so bad? You’re not stealing his food, or torturing him. Yet he sits there, unresponsive, looking at you sadly, wondering when you’ll finish. You’re not sure what’s on his mind, and he doesn’t open his mouth unless you pointedly ask him a simple yes/no question. Eventually he makes you so uneasy, that you decide to leave. Just when you’re closing the door to go, you catch a glimpse of a heavenly smile, like he just escaped hell. Oh come on, now. You’re not that boring.

Giggles and Co.

This is exactly the sort of scum you hate. Just when you’re at a very emotional moment, where you’re appealing to their sensitive side, where they’re leaning in and listening to you attentively, ready to proclaim you their True Saviour, this guy SNORTS LOUDLY while trying to hold in his laughter. You look at this kid, ready to kill him, and you know you cannot. When trying to win the peasants over, slaughtering one does not help (or so my advisors say).

Any other time, you would have schooled this kid for his audacity to laugh at a senior. You painfully ignore this, and continue, despite knowing your flow has been destroyed. This brat, emboldened by your inaction, starts cracking more jokes, and soon everybody in the second row is grinning widely or sniggering. Not only can you not make an impact anymore, they’re aware of your helplessness. The best you can manage is a few jokes yourself, before you save face and leave, swearing revenge against the kid once the elections are over.

Riddler Can’t Touch This

The questions. Don’t. Stop. These little critters are like landmines. When you said “You can ask me anything, I’ll help you out”, you were just trying to be friendly and show them what a great and knowledgeable person you are. You had expected two, maybe three simple questions.

You’ve never been more wrong. This devil will ask you tons of doubts and refuse to let you leave until you explain everything from what a SOP is to how the Placement Division works. Even when you manage to escape the room, this parasite attaches itself to you and while following, continues questioning you. The price of books, tourist spots in Hyderabad, there is no end to this monster’s curiosity. You know what hurts the most? This bugger isn’t even completely on your side. Of course he wants to listen to the other candidates and make an ‘informed decision’.

“My Mom is Calling” Guy

It’s a matter of time before people wisen up. The things people to do to get out of getting campaigned to! “Actually, I’m skyping my parents.” “I need to go to the washroom.” “I have a fever.” These are just some of the most common things we hear.

Amateurs. “Sure, we’ll wait for you to finish.” “No problem, we’ll definitely come tomorrow, we can spend more time then. You’ll be free tomorrow right?” “Oh this won’t take long, just a minute.” We have our ways too. It’s an elegant game of chess. Juniors locking their rooms from outside, to survive. Seniors using other juniors’ numbers to call their friends. Cat and mouse.

“Yes, Yes <smile> Yes”

These are the sharpest of the bunch. They pretend to be glad to see you, claim they’ve already heard you campaign THRICE before. Seem to be listening intently to you. Apparently they’re impressed with your manifesto. “Yes, definitely, we’re voting for you, no doubt about it, never come back, goodbye.”

You feel satisfied and great about getting such a quick and reliable vote, and your confidence is renewed. At least, until you hear they’ve been saying the same thing to EVERY SINGLE PERSON. You storm back to their room, asking why they lied. “Bhaiya! Why do you suspect us? We were just saying that to make them go away! Of course we’re voting for you!” They seem upset that you don’t trust them. Confused, you go away, while those slippery freshers carry on expertly escaping everybody’s clutches.

Oasis in this desert

These guys are so refreshingly nice. They gladly invite you inside, offering you a cushion. WAIT. These guys know what campaigning is, right? They do. Yet they listen to you, smiling, and trying to be helpful. These guys make you feel awesome.

They don’t want any favours from you. They open up slowly, and go from hesitant, to trustful. When you win these guys over, you feel like you’ve shot a basket, touching nothing but net. Perfect. Blissful. They’re humble, polite and most importantly, don’t look at you and run. Oh if only everybody was like this.

“What century is this?”

This bunch is outrageously ignorant, and appear around the end of election season. Unwittingly evading the heights of the election mania, these guys are a massive buzzkill to anybody who stumbles upon them. Apparently they didn’t know there was a person with your name running! So nevermind the fact you’re doing a quick run and it’s the final day of campaigning, you have to sit and explain your whole manifesto.

Some are worse. “There’s a General Secretary? I thought there was only the President post! We can vote for it? What does the Gen Sec do?” How everybody missed these guys is a mystery. They have little to no clue about the elections and demand lengthy explanations when there’s barely any time left. And every year, there’s always one poor soul who finds The Guy. The Guy who says “There’s an election going on?”

It’s a hard life for the campaigner.


Kartik Reddy

P.S. I have decided to not stand for anything this year, as I have an unfair advantage over the other candidates. In fact, going by statistics, I would have won easily this year. From AP? Check. Speaks Hindi and English well? Check. Male? Check.  Surname? R-E-D-D-Make me president already-Y.

P.P.S. That was a joke. Nobody likes me 😥

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