The Curious Case of the Lou-smitten Bitsian

Auntie: So finally you are an engineer, beta.

(long pause)

Le Me: Well, that’s what they told me.


The graph of love (lou!) towards college can be roughly drawn to be so:

Love graph

Except in the case of fiercely possessive, socially-forward patriots (i.e., the first to speed-meme about ‘Genuine College Rankings’). In such not-so-rare cases, the graph is found to be this instead:

Blank Graphy

Before you hit the keys at top speed to jump onto the bandwagon of criticism, hear this: The curve isn’t missing – its bounds stretch to infinity. (Surprise, surprise!) Their Lou-time curve cannot be plotted by us mere mortals.

A (self-declared, shamelessly self-promoted) boombastic duo of super-sleuths stationed at BPHC are investigating this seemingly baffling cycle of affliction towards the college. Here follows the report:

#1

Observation: The subject (here a concept, popularly known as ‘Bitsian’) comes to the immensely polluted, standardized environment called College. He thinks he’s in an academic place, and shall “launch rockets/build cars.” He believes that he shall be a useful tool to civilization and a morally responsible boon to society.

Inference: Subject is a delusional teen with possible god complexes.

#2

Observation: Subject believes that a library is an embodiment of knowledge and is strictly meant for rigorous continual cogitation, in cadaverous silence.

Inference: Subject deludes his understanding and senses; wandering to the library to interact with the opposite sex of his species, or to indulge in the seemingly unlimited internet signals, that enable him to be ‘socially’ active. This, apart from the air-conditioned breeze that is a relief during power cuts.

#3

Observation: Subject habituates himself to atrocious edibles that occasionally include weapons of mass destruction, ranging from plastic to safety pins.

Inference: Subject has been driven to obnoxious torment, alternatively termed “mess food”.

#4

Observation: Subject believes in waking up early, studying everyday and revising his learnings for a duration of one week into college, at best.

Inference: The definition of ‘lite’ has finally started sinking in. Subject has deep thoughts about life, which will eventually reflect in the report. Study continues.

#5

Observation: Subject watches too many shows.

Inference:  Diverse taste. Very diverse. *ahem*

#6

Observation: Subject head bangs while listening to rock because it’s “the cool thang to do, yo.” Sometimes he even headbangs to Yo-Yo Honey Singh.

Inference: Clearly a coping mechanism to hide his obvious lack of badassery.

#7

Observation: Subject philosophizes, and anxiously gets into so-called intellectual debates, to the point of physical violence.

Inference: The subject’s lou is now at an all time low after being subjected to disappointing grades and even worse food.

#8

Observation: He propagates and professes the revolutionary videos of Sampoornesh Babu and Vennu Mallesh.

Inference: Suggested mental screening to explain off-the-hinge behaviour.

#9

Observation: The experiment is in its waning stages. There is a marked change in subject’s behaviour. He wants to flaunt a new avatar- that of an adarsh baalak. Finally.

Inference: Time and experience show their effect on subject’s thoughts. But the question remains, is it too late for change?

*cue soap-opera interlude score*

#10

Observation: Subject overloads on humanities electives and repeats courses to bring up his CG.

Inference: The investigator cannot process this data extracted from the subject’s facebook status:

Taz

And what does that have to do with a tasmanian devil crying?
Queer.

#11

Observation: Subject drapes himself in the finest attire possible for photographs in portrait, selfie, instagram, Myspace, FB profile picture and random drunk monkey modes;  his extended clan of Bitsians, cheer the subject in a language the investigator cannot comprehend.

(The investigator could make out words like Aaaaaaan , stud, maaki, etc.)

Inference: An abrupt variation in the emotional personality of the subject has surprisingly lead to a surge in the lou-o-meter.

Strange, that an assemblage of self obsessed photographs and a few minutes of dreadful dancing, could triumph over any and all scuffles in the past. Differences and denials stand completely forgotten…

A moment of genuine lou is all it takes.

#12

Observation: Subject cleans out his room for the final time. The number of pictures he takes have increased exponentially over the period of this experiment. He feels attached to his room – hazardous nooks and crannies (which this investigator didn’t dare explore) included. He cites memories associated with the place as reason for the Lou.

Inference: The lou-o-meter’s readings are going off the charts, much like his initial readings. The subject is admittedly not any more enlightened than before. But he has finally come full circle, folks.

This experiment is now, officially, a SUCCESS.


Meghana Yerabati
and
Sagar Shah.

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