The Sarcastic Guide to Creatures on Campus

College is a zoo. These are its animals.

The Average

Location: Everywhere
Nature: Passive
Distinguishing characteristics: Absolutely none
Description: The Average is everywhere. He attends most classes. He attends most events. He always occupies the middle rows, be it a lecture hall or the Drama Night on Stage 2. His marks are always between av+10 and av-5. He plays a sport, but only with his friends. He’s the hardworking member of exactly one club/department/organisation.  He likes most shoutboxx posts, but rarely comments. His voice joins the laughs, his hands add to every clap. His is the familiar face you see all the time, yet whose name you’ve never known. He is a part of everyone. Everyone is a part of him.
Soundbyte: “Hi!”

The Desperado

Location: Footpath outside CP/Amul; Road outside Malviya/Meera Bhavan.
Nature: Overtly friendly and helpful. Only towards the opposite sex.
Distinguishing characteristics: Smells strongly of deodorant. Stares unblinkingly.
Description: You might think he’s a creep, but is it his fault he never had a chance to “make fraandship“? In a way, he’s the nicest guy ever. He’ll send you anonymous roses, post beautiful confessions about you, forward emo messages, wish you good morning and good night, enquire about your classes and your health. He’ll be there wherever you go, every day, except on Raksha Bandhan.
Soundbyte: “Can you give me your notes for that subject?”/”Do you need notes for that subject?”

The Politician

Location: Corridors and rooms of first-yearites.
Nature: Inspiring, hardworking, focused, friendly, humble, fun – or so he says.
Distinguishing characteristics: Flanked by an entourage of extremely talented people. Permanent smile.
Description: He has a dream, and a vision. He’s popular, well-spoken and suspiciously eager to impress you. He’s done so much for the campus. He’ll spend hours giving you advice and telling you how he single-handedly managed to make last year’s Pearl a fantastic success. He’s your friend now. And as a friend, you HAVE to vote for him, right?
Soundbyte: “Here is my number, you can approach me for ANYTHING”

The Gamer

Location: His own room.
Nature: Usually a soft-spoken normal student, a foul mouthed beast on the keyboard.
Distinguishing characteristics: Dark circles, disheveled hair. Says “noob” a lot.
Description: Gamers have many lives. They’re assassins, legendary heroes, expert snipers, and creators of civilisation. They usually stick together, discussing strategies and epic fails in a language that noobs don’t understand. They are the vampires, pale-faced and nocturnal. They are the wolves, howling obscenities at the top of their voice. They are the heroes, for these brave souls bring down the average.
Soundbyte: “TRIPLE KILL! <censored>”

The Nerd

Location: Library or lecture halls.
Nature: Polite and helpful, unless you’re a rival.
Distinguishing characteristics: Neatly dressed, open textbook in hand, bag filled with books.
Description: Every parent’s dream. Every teacher’s friend. These guys are true engineers. They’re the ones who utilise college and its resources properly, for, after all, it is a temple of knowledge. Exams are life and death, for if you’re not among the crème de la crème, what good are you?
These wise folk look sadly upon the remaining students wasting their lives away. How stupid. How can someone get below 100 on a 120 mark paper? They might not be popular in college, but just you wait till REAL life begins.
Soundbyte: “I got av+10^99. Will I scrape a 9?”

The Couple

Location: Lover’s Lane, or nearby roads.
Nature: Self-sufficient, passive.
Distinguishing characteristics: PDAs, will ignore you even if you run past them naked.
Description: This being initially started out as two separate people, but time has fused them into an indistinguishable mish-mash of their previous personalities. Even when separated, they are constantly texting or talking. They’re alright when in a large group, but you know they’re constantly wishing they could take off alone. The worst part – they’re trying to get everyone else they know paired up.
Soundbyte: “He/She’s perfect. <insert Twilight sigh>”

The Jock

Location: Courts/SAC/Field.
Nature: Happy-go-lucky, but you know he could beat you up if he wanted to.
Distinguishing characteristics: Constantly sweating, bulging muscles, a ball in one hand.
Description:  Arena is his fest. He thrives on the roars and cheers of the crowd. He might miss class, but he’ll never miss practice. When not on the field, he’ll be in the common room, cheering for India or his EPL club.
Soundbyte: “I missed the gym today… I’ll go early tomorrow morning to make up for it.”

The Queen

Location: On the ramp, leading her FashP team to victory.
Nature: She has a great personality.
Distinguishing characteristics: You’ll know her when you see her. Aphrodite incarnate.
Description: Untouchable. She’s usually a super senior. A pretty smile forever on her face, she’s covered with an angelic glow. She talks only to her friends, but everybody knows her. She brightens your day every time you catch a glimpse of her. She’ll never know you. All in all, you’re just another like on her wall.
Soundbyte: Her voice is too beautiful for words.

The Elitist

Location: Various places.
Nature: Arrogant, pretentious
Distinguishing characteristics: Snobbish look, all-knowing air.
Description: Constantly correcting you’re grammar, he will walk around with a “better-than-you” aura. Plenty of attitude, he will refuse to wave to you in public even if you’re wingies, for it would embarrass him. Attempts to be refined and cultured, often criticising things as “dirty”, “barbaric” and “crass.” Uses words that nobody’s heard of since the dinosaurs.
Soundbyte: “Look at that, so crass. Ugh”

The Old

Location: Shankar Bhavan basement.
Nature: Calm, approachable
Distinguishing characteristics: Shirts from your dad’s closet, lots of facial hair.
Description: He’s the fourth year student ready to take on life. He silently weeps in nostalgia at everything, for it’s his psenti sem. He’s the PhD student who maturely goes about his business. He has his own separate life – he’s an apparition who drifts in and out of campus activities. The only thing you shouldn’t do is call him Uncle.
Soundbyte: “I remember when…”

The Bajrang Dal

Location: A few paces away from The Couple, back benches of lecture halls.
Nature: Extremely aggressive
Distinguishing characteristics: A loud voice, perfect mocking tone.
Description: Do you know that guy in the audience who screams a joke while someone on stage is boring us? This is him. He destroys everything that people prepared for, he’s the ultimate critic. If he lived during Frankenstein’s era, he’d be the leader of the mob trying to burn him. He still continues this tradition, minus the pitchforks, harassing unsuspecting couples. The Bajrang Dal after all, is the embodiment of sanskaari Indian values. It’s his duty to bring a stop to such un-Indian activities. Favourite day? It’s a tough call between Valentine’s Day and Teacher’s Day.
Soundbyte:Ek do teen char, bandh karo yeh atyachaar!”

The 420

Location: Higher altitudes
Nature: Extremely relaxed about everything. A priest of the Lord of Lite.
Distinguishing characteristics: Red eyes that look at nothing in particular. Stubble.
Description: He sees the world through a different colour. He’s very environment friendly, his love for plants is well known. Dubstep is his diet, and his primary pastime is studying the effects of chemicals on the human mind. Biology and engineering? This guy is definitely on the road to riches.
Soundbyte: “Oh, listen to this when you’re -“

The G

Location: Home. Not their room, their actual home.
Nature: Soft spoken, keeps to himself.
Distinguishing characteristics: Surname is Reddy. Speaks Telugu fluently.
Description: The G doesn’t stand for Gangsta, but it might as well. Topless cricket in corridors, mana Powerstar movies, inka bonding over gossip, that’s the life. Of course he’ll go home. Who’d eat mess food given a choice? Why should he roam outside? He’s not a hobo, he’d much rather chill with friends in his pad (Read: room). He should speak in Hindi because you can’t understand Telugu humour? YOU’RE the one lost in translation. YOU’RE the one out of place. After all, the Gs are the majority. Welcome to Hyderabad.
Soundbyte: “Then gayra ba dakau!” (Am I pronouncing this right?)

The Internet Activist

Location: On Facebook.
Nature: Aggressive, quick to demand justice.
Distinguishing characteristics: Comments on every single post. Shares what he thinks is important, which is everything.
Description: Every time you get a notification, there’s a 100% chance it’s this guy, and not your crush accepting your request. The Internet Activist is the new-age messiah. He’ll unabashedly bring to light issues being swept under the carpet, question why we’re paying Re.1 more for the mess, and openly mock the SU. Spam? Is freedom of speech spam? He’s just giving us his valuable opinions on EVERYTHING. Wielding the twin blades of CAPSLOCK and question marks(????), even Arnab Goswami can’t touch this.
Soundbyte: <typing intensifies>

The Start-Up

Location: In the library.
Nature: Creative, Inspiring. Easily bored.
Distinguishing characteristics: Sharply dressed, has many contact cards, is the CEO & Founder of several companies.
Description: His brain spits out ideas for companies like freshmen spit out mess food. It’s a simple process
Step One. Think of a million dollar idea.
Step Two. Think of an ultra cool company name.
Step Three. Make a classy website, hire your friends.
Step Four. Print cards and T-shirts.
Step Five. Work (optional, not recommended).
Step Six. Quietly let it rot, and move on to your next big idea.
He’s constantly on the phone, “placing orders” and talking to clients, and you have to envy his resume – it’s bigger than your thesis.
Soundbyte: “Entrepreneurship is all about risks, and I have the guts to take them.”

Kartik Reddy


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